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Well, in about 24 hours we'll be moving into our new house. It's so new, that even the postcode actually has 'NU' in it. So full of new-ity that it be.
And then tonight I have my trial shift at the Jazz Cafe. It'll be a bloody cinch, not worried at all. I'm just mourning my poor-feet ahead of time. They shall be full of 'Owch'.
And oh I should mention, got an email yesterday will whole bunch of crap saying 'Please sign and return by the 2nd of Sept'. OOOOH TA FOR THE WARNING THERE ROMANS, COULDA MENTIONED SOONER KTHX.

And I have short hair. It is actually short. Not mid-length, but short. I keep going to pull the hair-tye out of my hair before remembering how short it is. I love it. I may keep this hair-cut for a long whiles. Even if the hair-dresser did scare me by constantly going back to snip more off. Then he got the electric razor. I was still shaking ages afterwards, it's a big change but hey, now is the time for big changes amirite?

Bleck for fake update but hey, got to do something whilst I wait Romans reply.

J
For some reason I feel compelled to write. So here we are. Lots of things are happening and I suppose I just need to pull it out my head and online to share with the one and half people who actually read this blog.

I'm in Tom's flat and it's mess. A serious mess. There are also MORE issues with paying our deposit. Reu thought he was working 6-12 but he got a cross phone call about an hour ago basically going 'Where are you? You're doing the 12-6 shift today!!!'. The *deeper* issue here is that he's needed to get the remainder of the money out for our deposit. Aaaaaand by the time he's out, the bank that Romans is with will be closed. We *would* do it by card, but since the account was only made yesterday that's not really an option. The only way we can do it now is if I go in during his break, pick up the cash and deposit it myself. Can't get the money out myself since I'm not attached to the account. Boo-urns. Just when you thought it could poss-i-bly be simple for once. I wouldn't be surprised if they push back the move in date to Monday. Bleck. It wouldn't be this last minute if the fuckers actually called me back when I called them OVER AND OVER for updates. Stupid people is stupid. And we're paying £450 for the privilege. HA.

In other news: I'm on my milk week. Milk tastes weeeeeird. Currently have it in a good ol' fashioned cup of breakfast tea. Yesterday I had it with a couple of food packs (strawberry and 'nilla) and JESUS it was SWEET. Like the kind of milkshake you get in an American diner. All thick and sweet. Like a blended cake. I can also see my ribs when I'm standing up. This is the first time in well.....ever, that I've been able to see ribs. Not like I can play them like a xylophone or anything but I can see definition. There is even a little criss-cross pattern developing in my stomach where the muscles in my abs are. Coolness. I may be able to start my terrifying beach-body programme thingie starting next year. Melt off the rest of the excess fat and then tone the fuck out the rest. That's ma plan :D

God I really need to move soon. I just need my own room. I neeeeeeeeeed my SPAAAAAAACE! *insert Portal 2 reference here* I've got my radio, my candles and a sudden urge to start doing more radio projects. The urge is so strong it makes me feel good as in *good*. God I'm a freak I'm getting turned on by the thought of tinkering with electronics. Wtf did that come from? I'm sure there is a mis-wiring somewhere. Like when I earlier developed a craving for Scotch eggs and Malteasers. And there it is again......wtf wtf!!!?!!?!

J
The fucking day I have had. THE FUCKING DAY. If there has ever been a time I have ever regretted not drinking BOY LET ME TELL YOU, IT IS TODAY. I would love to sink my face into a double vodka Martini (though it's probably just as well I can't I still want to DAMN IT).

Ok, the good:

*I think I've got my MA. I got an email from BTP saying that my uni has confined I'm eligible for the workshop. In order to be eligible I would have had to of passed. So there you are. I am now officially a Master of art. Heh.

*We move in Saturday. IN THEORY (more on this later).

*I have a trial shift at Reading's Jazz cafe this friday. This job is only a minimum of two nights a week but this is good for other things I may want to pursue.

*The people from the radio internship I applied to have got in contact and seem really eager to see me for a 'chat' next week. Non-paying but it means working in a studio for six months.

*Can't say which, but a certain work place is also offering an informal meeting regarding possible employment opportunities. And it's an awesome company. And it's paying. Woop.

*Me and Reu went to the Purbeck folk festival last weekend and it was AWESOME. Though I am still bruisey from where ends tried to rape us in our sleep. No I shall not elaborate.

*Did a sneaky-sneak into Gamestation today to enquire as to how the headhunting was going. Apparently they are only just getting round to checking out CVs. Despite two weeks of silence, there is hope.

The baaaaaad:

*The fuckers at Keysafe vetting agency have been annoyingly uncontactable. And naggy. Very naggy. And they randomly wanted a utility bill from Reu's old hall from THREE YEARS AGO. They asked for no such bollocks from me or Rach but demanded it of him. WTF?!

*Roman's are charging us a fucking ton to move in on time. With a sickly smile they handed over a bill for almost three grand. We only had about two. Had to make a couple of calls and negotiations to make it happen.

*We opened a joint account today. The guy who did it assured us the money would be available today. We went back to get it out and this woman (who thought I was polish for some reason) said 'Ooooh I'm sorry but it has to stay in the account for at least 24 hours'. When I pointed out someone else said different and more importantly mentioned who had told us this she started on about how she'd worked there for years and never heard it done differently and that I 'probably misheard him'. I used my most condescending voice to reply 'That's ok, he probably didn't understand the question. Never mind'.

* The interview Rach had was for 4 hours a week. Peh.


The UGLY:

*I was withdrawing for fucking ages. Only just got back on my meds and started to feel sane again.

*EXTREME lack of sleep for God knows what reason. Too stressed to sleep even when I'm not lying amongst bones and having twigs poking into me all night.

*Too busy to just fuck off for the day and chillax for a bit. And in desperate need for it.

*Only had about 2 hours to myself in two weeks. Lack of space in Tom's place with the three of us sharing painfully obvious. Feel so claustrophobic I think I'm going to scream.

*Combination of the above caused me to have a bit of a meltdown. For the first time in months started to feel a bit.....self-harmy. Luckily the meds kicked in and it jut all got sort of pushed back. It was weird, and just in time.


And Tom says to say he is lovely. Which he is for putting up with my shit (meaning both the bits of my flat lying around his place and the emotional rage-vomit over the past couple of days)). Also a big thanks/sorry to my future housemates for being cross and RRRRAAAAAAWRIMADINOSAUUUUR. Love you <3

Also, yesterday, a guy randomly waved a bible at me. What is that all about???

J

Writer's Block: A stroll down memory lane

Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?


I would rather lose all my old memories. Sounds awful (not exactly the kind of choice I'd like to make) but I'd rather be able to still be able to build a future, even if it costs the past. Hey, new house, new boyfriend, new start, new life (new job too? hint hint hint mister fate).

To mark this I heard an old song from my past and felt the need to share for the future :)

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm worthless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm shy but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxicab...
Here is a nice situation. I am sitting in Toms (now nice and tidy) flat, it's a beautiful half-summer-half-autumn day outside, which I can see out the open window next t the table I'm sitting at. I have a cup of black coffee and casually typing on Toms new MacBook Air which I have to say is the sexiest computer I've ever used. To top is all off, I've got the whole series of Charmed to watch and for the first time in the ten weeks since I started this diet, I actually am starting to look and feel thin. May have something to do with the fact I'm officially now overweight instead of obese (I lost 9 lbs last week.....what the hell?!). I keep looking at myself in Toms magic mirror (called so because it's at a slight angle and so is ridiculously kind to the healthily-challenged such as I) and doing all this posing and turning around and stuff. It's so weird to actually like what I see in there. 
Anyway, the point of this is that I guess I'm sort of trying to focus on the positive rather than the neg. Plus I feel very relaxed, which is probably the first in two weeks. Okay proper update time, in bullets because I said so.


*I handed in my MA. It is finished. I even got an email last night asking me to confirm tickets for my graduation and arrange robes/photos. I don't even know who would want to come to it. It'll be short, sweet and followed by a dinner without eating and most likely work the next day. Any takers?


*Reu got a job. There was drama surrounding getting things into gear, but after applying last weekend, interview on Monday and induction yesterday...yeah it's happened! Spoons, good job and it's one down. Just have to actually get one myself now......ten applications sent later and I feel Bleeeeeeeeeeeeh. But good news for Reu.


*We put a holding deposit on a house yesterday. It's ten minutes from town, round the corner from Tesco and Toms and has a gorgeous attic room that takes up a whole floor.....and through lucky-logic and presumably years of good karma from crappy rooms it's all mine. I have plans. So many plans. I even spoke to the landlord on the phone. He was really friendly, only seemed worried about us moving out too soon (so he seemed rather happy when I said we planned on staying for at least two years) and said he 'looked forward to meeting us when we moved in' very good omens......just hope everything else comes through and we move in on the 3rd of September.  


*We waxed Reuben's back. His back now has the odd stripe of hair that we missed and looks angryyyyyy. 


* I have an MA (in theory), a house with possibly the best room I'll ever had inhabited and a boyfriend who loves me so much he can even deal with me whether I am a sulky cow or basically a threatening alpha male with breasts. Yet....I'm so wound up and stressed eveything feels choked. All I'm missing is a job and it's all I can focus on. I applied for Gamestation last week. They've got someone leaving for uni and there may be a possible vacancy. I want that job so much I feel low and crippled just from fear that they won't even give me an interview. I just want to work somewhere I actually care about what we're selling. Somewhere I don't have to pretend to be someone else. It'll be nice to be honest in a job for once! I'm on mandatory day-rest because I've been going for so long without stopping. I'm thinking that since we'll have the house for a month before I have to pay rent, I'll give myself a week off to not do very much. Especially sicne with the move and the possiblity of a new job I'll be ridiculously busy once it all starts off.


*Should I go for red hair or blue hair? Or maybe combine the two and go for purple? I feel like a dramatic change in hair to reflect the dramatic change in life. Though it won't happen until a) I know my work would allow it and b) Graduation is over. If I go and get photos my parents would be devastated if I'm gone all Ramona with my robes. 


*Rah I need to do something! I feel all boring and bleck. I need to go crazy or something. Basically I need to feel like me again....




*I have picked up the worlds most random habit. I keep collecting cans of food when I'm stressed. I was so happy to find my can of water chestnuts still at Tom's place. After leaving Reu and Rachel in town I swung by the garage and picked up a can of sweetcorn with peppers. So very random, but it helps somehow. At least when I finish this diet thing I know I'll have plenty of canned goods to turn to. In fact that's why I keeping buying them. Instead of comfort eating when I'm stressed I get the same relief from buying food for laters. Weird but it works so hey.

J

Writer's Block: True love waits

If you are dating someone who says they aren’t ready to commit, would you wait? How long?

The question here is: what do you define as commitment? It could be anything from saying you'll be monogamous to agreeing to get married and move in together. This is a subject close to my heart because for almost five years I was in love with someone who couldn't commit. Not really. We had two times where we were officially together because through one thing or another he hated the idea of being boyfriend/girlfriend (and I must admit seeing it put like that kind of puts me off too). Anyway he hated the labels because he had been in a fucked up relationship where it meant that she OWNED him. Not in the kinky way or in the sweet 'I am yours you are mine' way, but in the 'You belong to me-do you understand?! you are mine and no-one else can have you!!!' sort of way. This meant that pretty much meant that he didn't like associating with me in a romantic way in public. He also flirted heavily with our friends, sometimes it was in a jokey way...sometimes it wasn't and ended up with him indicating more of a commitment to them than to me despite the fact his relationship with me was probably the only one he had that wasn't massively one-sided. It was just very one-sided instead. I loved him dearly, but I couldn't wait for him to be 'ready'. That was the problem according to him, he needed to time to 'grow into' being able to commit. Even though the level of commitment I was asking for was for him to only be with me, he saw it as marrying me with nothing in between. Either he slept around and had me clinging on or he was married. This wasn't good enough considering I just wanted to be with him. 

So in terms of how long, five year I guess. But then again I think if it was really true love I wouldn't have cared. Then again if it was true love, he probably would have cared more than he did. Who knows.



Ho hum....

Listening to my programme for the billionth time. Just have to before I commit it to disc and then wahey. I think I could do better but I'm not sure if I'm saying that because it's true or because every producer is their own worst critic. 
Can't really sleep anyways, after sleeping for a couple of days I'm wide awake, at bloody 3am. Don't even think the office is open on the weekends so it's not like I could hand it in...*checks*...no idea...won't sodding tell me. Growl. Would be nice to just get the bugger in already and not risk the 'OMG one minute late, no mark for yooooooooou' drama that would be shortly followed by drinking heavily and then killing myself probably. Sorry to be melodramatic but I've feeling less than chirpy at the moment. Just everything.....blah....can't explain. Feel like I've got a million stresses on my mind. And I've had a fucking headache all fucking day. I've drunk so much water I'm surprised I haven't drowned. Fucking stupid fucking head. 


Just hopefully doing the final tweaks and then it can FUCK RIGHT OFF. TO MARS OR FURTHER. Note to self: Radio course, not best for headaches. EVER. 

The most annoying thing is that i have no idea if it sounds ok. I honestly don't. BLECK to it all....in the fucking face.

Even more annoying is that I am hungry. For the first time in months I am hungry. I know this isn't real hunger, it's angry-hungry but fuck me, I want to just eat something just so I'll stop grinding my teeth. I know it would make me worse, I know this but fuck it if I hadn't gotten so out of the habit by now I would cooking be up some pasta.

J

Crazeh daze...

 Yeah I know the spelling is crap. But I am ok with it. Have all my limbs still attached and everything. Apparently grammer and spelling isn't as vital to everyday existence as people make it out to be :P

Today has been a bit of a mixed up time (just in case you hadn't noticed by the fact this is the third update today-though I suppose part of that is wanting to talk and there being no-one around to talk to...or at least no-one who can stand there and listen to me waffle at them. Pancake at them too).
Well I slept, then I woke up sad. Which just plain sucked, I mean I was supposed to wake up happy and relaxed and I just wanted to cry. Made worse when Reu and Rach then skyped me and I couldn't lift my mood up enough to join in with the insane rambling like normal. I was even started to feel a little irked, not to mention jealous that they could hang out and have fun whilst I was stuck on my own with work and stuff. But then Reu called me and we spoke one on one and I explained myself. I have issues with being around people when I'm upset. My mother has always made a big deal whenever I *was* upset or feeling depressed, making out that I was ruining the mood for everyone else. As such i get a massive urge to run away when i do get upset. So here I was trying to stop getting upset, too tired to really hide it and just feeling awkward. I haz ma issues. So. Now I finish off this weekend, then I have hand-in followed by house viewings on Monday with R&R. Things are moving forward.....is it wrong that I'm kind of glad for an excuse to miss celebrating with people from my course? they're nice people but we were never really mega close and I don't think I can stomach being around people drinking heavily and talking about the projects we now can do nothing about. No thanks.

I feel broken.... :(


Last time I was updating because I needed a break, this morning afternoon I'm doing it because I literally have no idea what else to do.
 

Well, I finished the programme. Half a-fucking-hour of interviews and clips organised into what I hope with be a warming story about my family and coping with autism. If not then fuck it. It's done regardless. I got a taxi back at about half seven this morning (with my bleeding foot and being up for so long I was in no state to even attempt the hill back from the bus-never mind walk the whole thing home). I threw everything at the floor, stripped off and plonked into bed. I think I was so grateful to be home I didn't even care when I got the estate agents attempting another viewing without notice at 10am. I just sort of went 'yeah ok...no, can't sorry...zzzz' and collapsed again. Even with eight hours sleep I feel physically weak. I woke up wanting to be ready for a rare Reu-skype this evening. I was hoping someone would be around to chat to but nope. So, now I have no idea what to do. The flat is a mess, but I feel so physically weak I don't think I want to do anything about it. Seriously my body feels like I ran a marathon yesterday, I'm feeling muscles I'm pretty sure I haven't worked hard for days.
Then there is the last 1400 words, referencing properly, one page summary and the final tweaks on the finished project....but I feel too mentally drained to trust myself to not cock it up somehow. I think I need a radio-free day before I do anymore. Funny how when you've got time to do whatever you want, you can't think of what to do.....even when before when you were so busy it was like you were surrounded by tempting alternative activites.

I think I'll just slob in bed or finally play NWN or something. Something easy to do until my body stops shaking.


J


It's almost 2am...time for an update

At 6am I'll have been working 24 hours solidly. Give or take a few hours used to get from A to B. Or C. Or even Q. What is so fucking great about B that everyone want's to go there anyway? Furthermore, what is so awful about A that everyone wants to leave? Is there rioting going on there too? Bees. Must be bees. After honey. From Rachel's vagina. And her ears. I have said it, it is therefore canon.

My fingers smell of soup. I swear I'm not stroking and yet....soup. Soupy fingers. Not the texture, just the smell. I have ghost-soup. I am being possessed by the ghost of soup. Somebody peform a broth-excorcism before I lose my mind and attempt to stir myself. With a ladle. With a potato in it. Mmm Potato and leek soup. Tatties. With lumps. They'll kill you. We used to sing a song when we were kids about dying from a lump of tattie in your throat. And being eaten be a boa constrictor. Note the lyrics: 'I'm dead cos it's eaten my head....I'm dead cos it's eaten my head...I'm being eaten by a boa constrictor and I DON'T LIKE IT ONE BIT!'. Fucking singing Kettle. They only taught us about Scotland and Bunny foo foo and death. And that when you put your hands into kettles, you get clues to the next song as opposed to third degree burns. And now I can't knit anymore. Fuckers.

I'm looking forward to seeing Reubens face. And hair. Which is probably going to go. I mentioned cow licks to Rach and how I'd lick his cow (whatever that means) and now I'm craving hair. Reu hair. It smells nice. I wish to nuzzle it. Or rather, put my nose in it inhale deeply and *say* I'm nuzzling. Like when I was a kid and would always snuggle my parents when I had a runny nose and no tissues. I was such a lovely child. And an even better adult it seems. My foot is so oozy.It's still wet four hours later. This is so gross but I can't stop it, it just weeps. But no in the lady-like with a hankercheif sort of way, more like 'ew liquid from ma foot' sort of way. Who can love a girl with a weepy foot?

And now my coffee is judging me. i'm not sure how, it just is. I've done so much coffee! I've done almost the whole programme! I'm just tired but I can't go home. I'll never get it done if I go home. It'll just keep haunting me and will most likely come as a bear to give me some rough ursine lovin'. And I don't want that. Not again.
I know what I need, I need to live in a world where radio doesn't exist. Or MAs. Or being unemployed. I need to somehow get whisked away on a mystical adventure where I gradually come to terms with all kinds of fantastical elements. Dragons, swords, magic, castles and adventure....the whole caboodle. It'll be a massive metaphor for my own 'coming of age' tale but all the best ones are. I woud legitimatly be able to go around the world killing stuff for money. And it won't be taxed to shit. And i'll have a sword-dragon. Called Grape-seed. Fuck it, Grape-seed the dragon shall be real and he shall be mine, even if only in my own sordid fantasies. Mmmm.....sordid. Sorbet. Lemon sorbet. now that would be nice around about now. Sorbeeeeeeeet..........




J

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